


like a feeling that I'm down

by Niki



Series: Fear of Ghosts [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fix-It, Horizon (Mass Effect), M/M, Mass Effect 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-30
Updated: 2013-12-30
Packaged: 2018-01-06 18:37:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niki/pseuds/Niki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seth Shepard is not the type to let anyone walk away from him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A Definite Maybe

**Author's Note:**

> I started this series after playing ME1. I had vague ideas of continuing it, but then ME2 came out and killed all my will to live... I mean write. Or care about the ME universe. ME3 restored my faith, and I figured I'd finish Seth's journey, too.

Kaidan wasn't stupid. He'd always known that what ever he had with Shepard – Seth – wasn't going to last forever. He loved the man, even if he'd never told him, knowing the words, the sentiment, didn't really have room in their arrangement. He loved him, so he was content to enjoy the ride for as long as it lasted. For as long as he was enough to interest the Commander. For as long as it was deemed worth it to flaunt the rules. Shepard had never been a by-the-books kind of a guy, not like Kaidan. 

So he had expected the day he lost the man from then beginning. Still, despite the dangers of their profession, he hadn't really been prepared to losing the man so soon, and so permanently, to death. 

It is okay to mourn your commanding officer. It's fine to be in shock over losing a friend. But you're not supposed to go to pieces over their loss. Soldiers have their duties, and Kaidan was nothing if not a good soldier. He wouldn't do anything to damage Shepard's reputation after his death.

The shock of seeing Shepard get sucked into space took him through the first weeks, the pain a dull, consistent thing beneath his skin, threatening to spill over if he so much as mentioned Shepard's name. 

The work was his salvation. For the first year, he didn't really have a life outside it. When he was alone, his memories of Shepard were enough. After all, this way, he didn't lose the man because he grew bored. It made it sound so much more than it probably ever had been for the other man, but at least he had that. 

And he was trying to make a life out of it. Some days, it even felt like it was working. Like he could get over it, take the good memories and everything he had learnt from Shepard and make something out of his life, something good.

And then he heard the first rumour that Shepard wasn't dead, after all. 

And he was working for Cerberus. 

Of course he dismissed the rumours at first. It had been two years. Two years and no word, not one sighting. Surely the hero of Citadel couldn't – wouldn't – hide for two years. 

In the end, as the rumours grew louder and gained official status, he had to believe them. 

Seth was alive. No, _Commander Shepard_ was alive. And their relationship had meant even less to the man than Kaidan had imagined even during his most pessimistic moments. 

He felt like his heart was breaking again, after he had only recently started to piece it back together, and the despair just made him angry. 

Of course it was wonderful if Shepard was alive, after all, but... FUCK!

When Anderson ordered him to Horizon to investigate the rumours Cerberus was behind the missing colonists, he went without a word. If he'd get some intel on the other rumours on the way... well. 

He didn't even know whether he wanted the rumours to be true or false anymore. 

\- - - 

He couldn't believe it. It was Shepard. Living, breathing Commander Shepard smiling just a few feet from him, and then the man had the nerve to pull him in for a hug. 

But damn, did it feel wonderful to have those arms around him again, even through armour, to cling – if only for a moment – to the memory of the good times they had. He pulled back, as if stung by the very same memories. 

He didn't even know what he was saying, all he knew was that he was choking on the feeling of betrayal – not just him but everything he believed in, and had thought the other man did, too. Sure, Shepard might have sounded crude and even cruel, dismissing people as idiots – but he was still out there, every day, trying to protect the very same people, saving the whole fucking galaxy when it came down to it.

His ears ringing like he was about to pass out, Kaidan turned to walk away. He couldn't do this. He couldn't listen to any of the lies the other man would say. He had believed them once. The Commander was so damn persuasive he might believe them again, and he wasn't sure he could handle getting his heart broken for the third time by the same man. 

“Kaidan!” The name was the intimate one from the bedroom, but the tone was a commanding officer to the last shade, and trained to obey that, Kaidan had stopped, even before he remembered that the other man only outranked him in seniority these days, and as he was officially listed as KIA in the Alliance files...

“Don't you _dare_ walk away from me, Kaidan.”

Rough hands were pushing him towards an alley between two buildings, pushing him against a wall, out of sight. Kaidan was preparing for an attack but what he got was a pair of determined lips pressing against his own, an insistent tongue invading his mouth, a hard body pressing him against the wall so that he couldn't move, couldn't run, could only open his mouth and answer the kiss with all the pain and longing of two years. 

Shepard pulled back, gauntleted hands cupping his face, and meeting his eyes with a determined look. His eyes were blue more than grey today, so blue.

“You of all people should know me better than that!” he said, roughly. “I died. The Cerberus – somehow – put me back together. But I'm me, all me. And I'm not hanging around for gratitude, either, I'm using them for their resources to find out what the hell is happening to the human colonies while the Alliance and the Council are doing nothing!”

He moved his hands to Kaidan's shoulders to shake him roughly. “But even that's beside the point. I was unconscious for two years. Two years, Kaidan. And the first thing I ask, the first person I want to see... no one will tell me where he is. Not even damn Anderson.”

“He did what? He didn't even tell me he had seen you!” That was the only bit Kaidan could react to at the moment, the nearness of the man almost too much, the explanations said in just the right tone... he sounded just like Seth.

Shepard was cursing. “I don't know what game he is playing.”

“I'm still Alliance first,” Kaidan said, not defiantly, just as a fact. 

“I know,” Shepard said, and the smile was all Seth now – not the cocky grin of the Commander. “And I shouldn't have just asked you to come along like that. I know you better than that. But, dammit, for me... it's barely been weeks. I miss you.”

“Shepard... it's been two years,” Kaidan said, quietly.

Seth looked away, hands gentling on his shoulders. “I suppose... you've moved on.”

Kaidan let out a humourless laugh. “I tried. Oh, I tried.”

“Tried how,” Shepard asked, nostrils flaring, as if he was... jealous? 

“By trying to make myself accept that you were really gone. By trying to imagine actually leaving my apartment on my days off. By trying to accept that you weren't coming back, and that no amount of alcohol was going to make the empty feeling go away.” He didn't know why he was telling the other man this. Giving him this much power over him, showing just how desperate he was without him. “By trying to find someone, anyone, to make me feel less dead.”

“Did you?” The question was icy. 

“Wouldn't you like to know,” Kaidan muttered, angry again over the presumption that he was supposed to pine endlessly for a dead lover. 

“I do,” Shepard said, very quietly. “Kaidan, dammit, I know two years is a long time to wait for a dead man, but... just tell me what I'm working with here?”

Kaidan frowned. That didn't sound right.

“I am trying to get you back, idiot. Who do I need to assassinate to make that happen?” All the rage was gone from the other man, the grin the one that said he was joking, of course he was joking, because under all that bluster and harsh words lived a good man, and how the hell had Kaidan gotten into this situation again. 

“There's no one,” he said quietly. “Wasn't trying hard enough. All I had was one lousy date during all that time, and that only because my friends forced me to.”

Seth closed his eyes and seemed to sag in relief. How the hell was he supposed to resist this walking, blustering mess of contradictions, who was even now resting his forehead against Kaidan's. 

“So if I asked you whether I can give you a ride to Citadel, or wherever...” He couldn't ever remember hearing that tone in Shepard's voice, quiet and hopeful.

“I'd have to tell you I have my own way out.”

“Right. And if I asked you whether I can... call you when ever this mess is over, and take you out for... a date? About what the chances were that we could... be something again?”

“I'd... I'd say a definite maybe.”

Shepard laughed at that. “A definite maybe. I've missed you, Alenko.”

They stood there, just holding each other, Shepard's hands on his shoulders, his behind Shepard's back, for a while longer. 

“I will explain everything, answer any and all your questions, and surrender myself to a court martial if you want – after. I need to go find those missing colonists. And I hate to say it – hate, Kaidan, hate working with Cerberus – but right now... That Illusive bastard's my best bet with near unlimited resources. And how the hell did he get all those people to bail ship on Alliance to come work for them? Did all the rest of them forget everything we learnt about Cerberus? Did we never tell Joker and Chakwas what they did?”

“The world went mad when you died, Seth. Or maybe it was just me.”

“Well, I got better. And I'm going to clean this mess, Kaidan, and then we'll talk. Okay? And maybe... more than talk.”

“A definite maybe,” Kaidan repeated, smiling for the first time. 

Seth dropped one last light kiss on his lips and then he was gone.


	2. The Night Before

Shepard exited the elevator rolling his neck. Damn the headache. Damn the Collectors. Damn the Reapers. Damn the Illusive Bastard. Damn all the bloody lot of them. He paused at his door, resting his forehead against the cool metal. Not for the first time he wished he had managed to convince Kaidan to come with him. 

He had nothing against the non-Cerberus people, and he thought he had actually managed to convince even the Cerberus crew to shift their loyalties to his direction, at least a bit, hopefully enough. He had done his level best to make sure no one among his remaining crew had unfinished business stressing them, no loose ends getting in the way of their commitment to the mission. 

Some he was even proud to have at his side. Jack, crazy motherfucker though she was. Grunt. Garrus, who was all grown up now, miles away from the C-Sec officer he had been. He wasn't sure if all the changes were good, mind you, he seemed to have illusions of badassery way beyond his capabilities, but he could work with that. Tali. Zaeed, the one among them who spoke his language. The assassin, the thief, the crazy-ass Justicar... his crew. Maybe not quite what the original Normandy had been, but... his. 

Still. Not one among the lot he was comfortable asking up, to let his guard down for even a second, to help him relax before they jumped into the unknown.

He opened the door with a sigh, then froze in the doorway. For a second he was convinced he had conjured up the vision from his own thoughts. 

“Your ship let me in,” said Kaidan, getting up. 

“Yeah, I may have told her you'd be welcome any time, any place, any condition.” He was still a trained soldier, and surprises – even pleasant – couldn't freeze him for more than a second. 

“I'm flattered.”

Kaidan seemed much calmer now than he had on Horizon. Calmer, and... there was something new about the man altogether. He hadn't had time to process it when they first met. Not just older, but... well, obviously he had bulked up to move to wearing heavier armour, and with a promotion and all, he had to have impressed the right people... He looked like he'd grown. Grown even more serious. The certain spark of newness, of innocence, was gone. 

“Drink?” he asked, moving towards his stash to get a moment to gather his thoughts. 

“Thanks.”

He pulled out a bottle of whiskey – the good stuff – and poured two generous glasses before handing one to Kaidan. 

“So what brings you here?”

“I... was in the neighbourhood?” Kaidan suggested, smiling. “I just saw the Normandy and thought I'd knock on the door.”

“And EDI let you in.”

“A very pleasant female voice guided me up here, yes. Didn't even see anyone on the way. Just what kind of instructions did you give her?”

“The good kind, obviously. So... just a social visit? No hidden agenda? Not here to get a progress report? Inside scoop?”

“I did some digging. You've been doing jobs for Hackett.”

“I still consider myself Alliance,” Shepard said, automatically. “Even if they only do so when it suits them.”

“I'm heading back to Earth,” Kaidan said. “For... a longer posting. For now. So I won't... be around. I just... hell, I guess I wanted to say goodbye.”

“I'm... about to do something potentially really, really stupid,” Shepard admitted, sitting down on the sofa. 

“Heroically stupid or suicidally stupid?” Kaidan asked, sitting down next to him.

“Can't it be both?” 

“Knowing you, it probably is.”

“Can I... how long can you stay?”

“I have a few hours before my transport leaves. If pressed, I can delay it for a few more.”

“Could you... maybe... give me a few hours advance of that 'definite maybe', Commander?”

“I don't know, Commander, what did you have in mind?”

Was the insufferable man flirting with him? He was, the little smile playing in the corner of his mouth. Seth decided to kiss it off, always asking for too much, in the hopes of getting at least something. The guideline he had learnt very young, and had lived by ever since.

Sometimes it gave him nothing. Sometimes it gave him everything. This time it gave him a mouth that opened under his lips, a tongue coming to meet his, a pair of hands stripping him off his clothes. 

It had been too damn long. Not just sex, not just closeness, but this man. This insufferable, brave, loyal man who seemed to get under all his shields with his insufferable loyalty and bravery. 

By the time they reached the bed they were almost naked, the dance not forgotten in the time that had passed, even in the body that was almost all new – regrown tissue and cybernetics – but it seemed to remember Kaidan all right, remember how to move with him, how to touch him, how to react to touch in return.

The first time was frantic, with little finesse and a lot of desperation, sweaty skin sliding against sweaty skin, hands holding too hard, teeth breaking the skin in their need to get closer, faster, _more_.

He came, trembling in the other man's arms, and felt like something, somewhere, finally made sense. 

“I missed you so damn much,” he muttered against Kaidan's neck, in lieu of the words that were really trying to get out. The words he didn't recognise, but was afraid he was living nonetheless. 

“Missed you too,” whispered Kaidan back, as if his words were just a mask for something else also. 

“Can you stay?” He knew there was too much need in his voice. But he also knew the chances of them actually making it back from their stupidly heroic suicide mission were infinitesimally small, and he wanted one perfect memory to take with him to hell. 

“For as long as you need.”

The little traitorous organ inside his chest seemed to have grown a life of its own because he could have sworn that the word echoing inside him hadn't originated from his brain. 

_Forever._


End file.
